After resting most of 2019 in my word Known, I have learned a lot about myself. Trying to chose a word of the year, was not as difficult as I imagined. I realized through this year of reflection and solace, I truly don’t like myself as a person. I live day to day ignoring myself. I don’t wear makeup every day, nor do I even moisturize my face. I don’t fix my hair, and I do not even try to eat healthy. I live in the “I’m over 40” excuse, and never have anything nice to say to myself.
This body is not a temple, it’s a hut with a roof that keeps me dry.
I compare myself to everyone in every way, knowing that I may not be as pretty or as fit, as smart or even as devout in their faith, and choose to give up, every single day.
Growing up, a nine-year old in a busy house with step siblings and a new step mother, it was easier to stay invisible. My older biological sister and brother were old enough to not have to live with us, and they were always the attractive, the athletic of the three of us, while I was the smart one. Living in a house with three step-siblings and being the only child of my dad’s living there, left a lot to be desired. I felt ignored, forgotten, and sometimes picked on. While this wasn’t always a reality, my perceptions as a nine-year-old girl and up through high school, led me to be withdrawn and secluded. I did not want to draw attention to myself, whether positive or negative attention.
Unfortunately, this has carried with me through my adult life. I still avoid attention, and not only that, I beat myself up for not taking care of myself. I should be better than this, I am smarter than this. I want to feel pretty, I want to look in the mirror and appreciate how God made me. He knows me, so He must have made me this way for a reason?
This year is the time to figure it out. I want to love myself the way God loves me. I want to love myself the way my husband and children love me. When they look at me they don’t see my flaws, my wrinkles, extra fat, or even my past failures. They see what I provide to the world. But, I want to love the best and worst version of myself. Yes, I have let myself be lazy. Yes, I have made excuses. And Yes, I have tried everything to avoid these changes, to avoid the attention it might bring.
I ate an entire piece of cheesecake yesterday because I am prepping for never having it again. But this year, I will not avoid and I will not make excuses. I know that some days will be harder than others, and I know that some days I will fail. But I will not continue to make excuses or let myself wallow in these mistakes. I am flawed, but He knows that already, and I am asking to be restored by Him, through Him.
This year, with His help, I plan to Restore myself to the best version. To love myself how God loves me. To be proud of the woman, wife, and mother that I am. This year will not be easy, but I believe that it will be worth it.
Comment below with what you believe God is speaking to you for 2020.